Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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