I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
