If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
