I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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