I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
