totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
