My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
