Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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