so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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