My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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