what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
