Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
