she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
