i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Randomize
