Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You're like the curious george of whores
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
