Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
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