his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
