Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
