You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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