Midget sex pt 2 tonight
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
