someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
