I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
