you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Just fell off a train. Bad.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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