i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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