Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
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