They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
