i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
