Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
