So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
