i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
