Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She needs sedatives and a leash
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
