Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
