Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
