i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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