I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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