either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
