remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
BRING THE BAGELS
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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