I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
