I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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