You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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