im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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