So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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