I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
