no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Thank you for not boning my boss.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
