I think i sorta joined a cult last night
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
