The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
