I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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