then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
