i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
