Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
