I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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